Lately

Lately I've been feeling a little restless. Not lacking in sleep mind you, but the deeper kind of restless mind that kicks in when you are problem solving. Like when you're cooking something and you keep tasting it because it seems like something is missing.

I don't know that anything is missing in my life right now. I mean, hey - I have a wonderful, loving husband, a job, house, car,  and 2 cats. My kids are grown and on their own. I have 2 adorable grandchildren. I have awesome friends that I've know since before High School.

So - what, if anything, is it that is sparking this restless feeling? What kind of puzzle could I possibly be trying to solve in my subconscious? What is causing the nagging feeling of "you left the iron on and omg the house is gonna burn down while we're on vacation"? Where is the restlessness coming from?

The answer is probably in there. Some where. Just waiting for that "AHA" kind of moment to show itself. I hope I recognize it for what it is when it does.

Everything inside me wants to scream. These waves of you washing over me are stealing my breath. My heart pounds, lungs fight for air trying to breath you in. You are the ocean I want to drown in. The strength of your waves pull me under and I am lost. Lost in the depths of you. Drinking in every precious ounce of you. Drowning in your eyes.


If we are not meant to be then why? Why my love? Why can I not let you go? What spell have you cast over my soul? If we touched would we ignite the heavens, set fire to the stars? Would our love eclipse the sun? Or would our flames burn too hot,  an explosion of briefly blinding light? If we could live only briefly in that white hot moment or continue in the reality of our existence, which would we choose?

I am consumed by you.  Obsessed with you. Captive to you.  I need to release you to end this torture, but I cannot. I cannot let you go. I cling to you as if to life itself, needing the very thought of you as if it were air. No, my darling, I cannot let you go even though we can never be.

I love you

Waking from the dream

The leaves fell and time stood still. Cool air rushed in scattering the traces of yesterday. One heartbeat, then two. Not in sync, but together. Tears stinging at the corners of my eyes. Blindly grasping at the wispy mists of a dream. Fading, falling into the sliver of time between dreams and dawn. A whisper. A promise. Fragments of something - of someone, familiar.

Silently falling
sleeping dreaming
crystal clear images blurred

Colors swirling
blending dizzily
impossible focus in blinding array

Reaching out
touching nothingness
tasting bittersweet emptiness

Awake or asleep
vaguely aware
knowing without knowing

If only...

If only I had seen things then like I can see them now, if only I could turn back time and relive the past somehow.  I’d take more chances, have more fun, and enjoy the days of being young. I know I would still be your friend and you would still be mine. I know we’d still share everything and have the best of times.  I’d walk right up and take your hand, and if you asked me why, I’d let my simple smile be my only reply.  I’d cherish every moment and treasure every day, and when you felt down or low I’d chase your blues away. We’d make our mark on this world and pay our critics no mind; together we would carve our path and leave the world behind.

But would I have the courage to change so many things? Would I flirt with destiny and clip her fragile wings? Would I have the strength to tempt the fickle hands of fate? Would I throw caution to the wind or simply play it safe?

I’ll never know the answers, no; I guess I never will for there is no way to turn back time or just make it stand still. We have to play the hand we’re dealt and not look back in vain. We are where we are, we have what we have and some things never change. The only thing that can be done is just to carry on, learn from the past, have no regrets and enjoy every new dawn.

And I will still be your friend and you will still be mine. I know we’ll still share everything and have the best of times. We’ll always have our yesterdays and memories from the past and we’ll still leave the world behind as we carve out our path.